"According to Dave, sailing is the number one relaxing pasttime. But if that is the case, why do sailors always look so tired?"

This was Dave's CC6: Vocal Variety speech, and his entry into the Humerous Speech Contest. He took this speech as far as the Division Championships.

I recently returned from an overnight sail up the Ottawa River. Almost everybody who has ever sailed a boat will agree that sailing is one of the most relaxing past-times in existence. Oh, I am sure that there are people who would rather be dropped down a bottomless pit than set foot in a sailboat, but I consider them to be aberrations.

Fellow Toastmasters and most welcome guests...

For the remaining 99.99% of humanity, sailing is as stress-free as you can get. It's the ultimate get-away-from-it-all, because when you are on your sailboat you not only leave your troubles behind you, you render them totally inaccessible. By sailing away, you have put distance and water between you and your problems. The only way to return to your problems is to sail back the way you came. And for those who tend to dwell on problems, sailing a boat presents a series of readily-surmountable challenges to occupy the mind. Hoist the sails! Check the wind! Tack! Gybe! The closest on-land analog that comes to mind is driving a car along a curvy country road on a nice summer's day, without the danger of crashing through the guard rail and plunging into a ravine.

After you have anchored at your destination, the bliss continues. Your new challenges are tasks like folding away the sails, coiling the lines, and deciding whether or not there is time for a swim before cooking dinner. After dinner you do the dishes, brew up some coffee or tea, and kick back and watch the sun go down. Or maybe you jump in the tender and paddle to shore to stretch your legs. Once the sun is down you flick on a light and read a book, then snuggle up in your berth and go to sleep.

Then, all of a sudden, it hits. A tiny little worry, submerged deep in your subconscious bubbles up to the surface: how secure is that anchor? Your eyes fly open and you lie there, unmoving, straining your senses. You are pretty sure the anchor is not dragging, but how can you be sure? A little internal dialog starts up in your head.

YOUR PRACTICAL MIND: The anchor was really secure all afternoon.

YOUR INSECURITIES: Yeah, but the wind has shifted since then, and it's blowing a lot stronger now.

PRACTICAL: It's not a problem. You're just imagining it. Imaginary drag.

INSECURE: You think so?

PRACTICAL: I do. If the anchor was really dragging, it would be obvious.

INSECURE: Would it? What does a dragging anchor feel like? Have you ever felt one?

PRACTICAL: Well, no, but I am sure it would feel different somehow.

INSECURE: You willing to bet your boat on that?

PRACTICAL: Ok, ok! I'll just take a quick look at the window.

You sit up and look out your little porthole, but of course that tells you nothing because it is dark outside. You might be about to go over Niagara Falls for all that your eyes can tell you.

INSECURE: Well that was a waste of time. You are going to have to go out on deck to be sure.

PRACTICAL: I don't want to go out on deck. I am really very comfortable in bed.

INSECURE: I'm not going to shut up until you do.

You drag yourself out of bed and go up onto deck. A quick look around with a flashlight and a glance at the stars against the trees on the shore show that you are not dragging anywhere. Now your socks are wet because of the dew, and you've picked up a couple of mosquito bites, but just to be sure you let out a little extra anchor rode, which makes the anchor more secure. After all, the wind has picked up a little. You go back into the cabin, take off your socks, and crawl back into your berth.

PRACTICAL: Happy now. I'm going back to sleep. Goodnight!

Time passes.

INSECURE: When you let out that extra anchor rode, did you re-cleat the line tightly?

PRACTICAL: What are you talking about? Of course I did, you twit!

INSECURE: No need to get hostile about it. It's just that, well, you know...

PRACTICAL: What?

INSECURE: If you didn't re-cleat the line tightly and it came loose, we would just drift away onto the rocks.

PRACTICAL: No way! I am sure it is tightly cleated. Shut up and go to sleep!

INSECURE: I wonder how quickly we could get the motor started if we hit rocks? How much damage do you think there would be?

PRACTICAL: Not my problem 'cause it's not going to happen. Besides, I'd feel it if we were just drifting. The waves would be coming from a different quarter.

INSECURE: Maybe... hey did you feel that? That felt different!

PRACTICAL: Did not!

INSECURE: Did too!

PRACTICAL: Did not!

INSECURE: Did too! You know, if we did hit the rocks, we'd probably end up with the stern sticking out, so that the prop would be out of the water. Boy, we'd really be up the creek if that happened.

PRACTICAL: Not listening. La la la laaaa la la la laaaa!

INSECURE: We'd probably have to abandon ship! The boat would be a write-off, but we'd be Ok.

PRACTICAL: I'm fine with that! I just want to sleep, and I will sleep on shore if I have to.

Time passes.

INSECURE: I wonder if there are any bears on shore?